Am I Older Than Dirt?

So I was having a conversation with my 5 year old today about TV shows. She has now become a fan of Noggin. This is fine with me, as I cannot stand the fantasy life portrayed by the Disney channel. My 12 year old thinks that is the way life should be and spends most of his time throwing out one liners from the lala land show about kids who live in luxury hotels. Needless to say, we do not have turndown service here, and he is greatly offended.

Anyway, she was asking me what shows I watched when I was a kid, and apparently she has no idea what the Polka Dot Door is, had never heard of Fraggle Rock, and was not even remotely impressed by the fact that I was on Romper Room when I was little, because she had no idea what it was.

So she asked me if we had Noggin. No? Nicktoons? Nope. So she aasked me if we even HAD TV when I was little. Yes, we had PBS, Breanna, because your grandparents were too cheap to pay for cable.

Now she wants to know what cable is, we have a dish.

I am doubling up on the face cream, and if that doesn't work soon, I want a refund from Elizabeth Arden, Lancome, and Target. Yes folks, I am now going to insist I get what I pay for, and if you say Youth in a Jar, you damn well better mean it.

So is it MRSA, or not?

My oldest son DJ was helping a neighbor Sunday before last, and he came home and was itching his arm like a dog with fleas. He showed me what I thought was a mosquito on his forearm, and i just put some campho=phenique on it, and forgot it. But the next day I called to make sure he was on his way home from school, and he says,

"Oh yeah, and mom? I think you might need to take me to the doctors. That bite got really big."

So I'm thinking that his big and my big are like the difference between a chihuahua and Zena, our mastiff. Ok, so I was wrong.

This thing was huge! He had A Popeye arm, and I would have taken a picture but I was totally freaked out. So I ran him to the ER, and this man next to had just lost the tip of his finger in a lawnmower accident. In another post, I will let you in on why I don't seem so shocked at the finger loss accident-been there done that. It kinda (not really) put it into perspective, but then this doctor came over and takes one look at his arm, doesn't even touch him, and says,

"Well, 90% of all bites we are seeing these days are MRSA. So I'm going to give him this antibiotic and this one, blah, blah, blah..."

That is all I heard after MRSA. I know what that is. My child has the superbug!!! Lovely, and it would have to be the one who has taken the most antibiotics in his life. This was a conversation which took all of 35 seconds, and he basically just scared the shit out of me, and walked away.

So I took him home, and went to get his prescription, and then came home to watch him. And watch some more, and he is 16 and he doesn't so much like that anymore and I don't know what exactly I was watching for. Maybe a big bug with fangs and puss to come out of his ear so I knew it had left him ? I have no clue, but hovering would be an under statement. I even wanted him to sleep with me, but as he is 16, I settled for on the couch.

The next day, I called his regular doctor and he made me feel better, but told me that if his arm became any more swollen or red, take him back in. That night it became more red and even bigger. So, because I was the picture of the calm and collected mother, I ran him across the street to the DENTIST who lives there and is now considering moving. At that point, I figured an MD is an MD? No, but it freaked him out and he assured me that I would not be over reacting if I took him back to the ER. So I did.

There seems to have been a run on the ER that night, and DJ was freaked out to say the least. When we checked in, the nurse was so kind as she told my needle phobic child that he was going to have to have an IV. Thank You Nurse Ratchet! Needless to say, he tried to bid her good day, and run. He still had hold of his manners. So, I got him back to the exam bed in the middle of the room, and the man next to us, wearing a charming anklet with a flashing red light, is instructing the doctor on the correct dosage of Dilodid he would require to make it home. And there seems to have been a kerfuffle of some sort at a nearby bar involving a bitch , a ho, and a very large woman (?) who is a word I cannot say or I will be struck by lightening. And DJ was sitting in the middle of the room with a front row seat.

A very nice doctor came over and looked at his arm, and then marked the outline of the redness and swelling with a sharpie, and then told me that DJ does NOT have MRSA, per se, but they are treating him as if he does, in case it is. HUH? DJ was fine with that, but I wanted to ask questions, and he wanted to leave, lest the man decide to get out that IV. And the "ladies"down the hall were causing a ruckus over the last blanket in the warmer. So he told me to keep giving him the antibiotics, and gave him a stronger anti histamine, and told me that if the swelling grows to be an inch out of the sharpie line, bring him back.

So it seems that I reacted a little too soon, as he was 199% better the next day. So I let him out of the house. He was great, and taking his medicine until Saturday morning when he woke up with a fever of 104.5, and a raging headache. Mind you, as he has always had a problem with high fevers, I did not freak out that much. Just added Advil and Tylenol, switched out like he always has. But I still did the good modern mommy thing, and checked Google. Yes, Universe, he is going to die, according to Google.

By Sunday night, he had somehow developed a case of hives the likes of which I had never seen. He looked like a tomato, as they had started on his neck, and settled on his face and upper body. and as I was blithering on and getting ready to take him back to the ER, he put his foot down. Apparently he would rather die. This alerted me to the possibility that the state of our emergency rooms were such that a High School age child thinks that there is too much drama there for even him to handle. So I called, and was told what I already knew.

It seems that he is having a reaction to the Sulfa in the antibiotics, but that doesn't explain the fever. So I took him to the doctor the next day. His was out so he saw a woman. Oh God, THE HORROR! But she was good! Great even. She made the over-worked docs at the ER look like hacks. he was extremely offended when she touched his peetail. It reminded me of the scene in that movie Multiplicity where the 4th copy says,

"She touched my pepee, Steve."

Then when I asked her to tell him he really needed to start drinking, she looked at me real funny, and then started laughing. She thought I was suggesting he start knocking back shots of Jager or something. I love this doctor. She actually TOUCHED the patient during the examination, she knew what was wrong, AND (BONUS!!!) she has a sense of humor. He has a secondary infection, and has to take a different medicine, and then come back in a week for a follow up. Do you have any idea how refreshing it is when you get an answer, or when a doctor actually acts like they care what happens? I probably paid more to go to the ER twice, then I will for all the medication and the GOOD doctors appointment. Why are doctors immune to the get what you pay for rule? I want a refund.

Do I ground you and take away your phone or put you in time-out and take away your cookies?

So I posted some pictures of the children I call The Babies. I call them this because I had a major brain infarction when my 3rd son started kindergarten and I felt that I had been put out of a job. So I had another, and then the girl squeaked through just as I was about to close up shop. I do not regret this decision, as they are very cute. But I must say, I would not recommend this, for the following reasons.

I now do not know what the hell I am doing. Had I known that a harmless 11 year old would soon turn into a boy with PMS, pre-man syndrome, I do not think these people would exist. My oldest was children were 11, 9, and 7 when my last child was born. I had no idea what was to come. The age between 7-11 are relatively harmless. When they hit 13, you are now the enemy.

I have to shift gears so fast, I make no sense. When 3 o'clock rolls around, and the elders get home from school, and you do have to make sure they have been to school, suddenly you are to switch between one child nagging to go to the mall before homework, and another wanting to run around with no pants on. I have often found myself telling DJ, my 16 year old, to go sit in the naughty chair until he can change his attitude, and asking a 5 yr old if her report on Robert E. Lee is done yet. I think they like this state of confusion, and do all they can to see that I remain this way.

Recently, Jordy man went on a tirade which even impressed me. Shortly after one of the elders had given an oratory about what I NEVER let him do, what EVERYONE else is allowed to do, and I don't let him have a life, blah, blah, blah...translation? My homework isn't done, and I don't want to do it, and please don't check powerschool (I LOVE THE INTERNET!!!). So Jordy stormed in and informed me that he has no "FREAKIN" life and I never let him do anything. It was at that point I realized that I had entered a new and horrid realm of parenting.

With the first 3, the only influence that had any bearing on their behavior came from me, their dad, and Barney. These children are being exposed to Teen Brain daily. I believe I have said that the teen brain IS a drug. So I have 2 crack babies, and I didn't even get to do the drugs.

Oddly enough, I have found some similarities. The 16 yr old and the 5 yr old both pout ALOT. One because his texting is turned off, and one because the TV is turned off. The 12 yr old complains when I make him change his favorite pants, and the 6 yr old complains if his favorite bowl is in the dishwasher, and I gave him a spoon with flowers on it. Both of them are a bit OCD. And that leaves the 14 yr old, and he has ADHD so he is chemically programmed to drive everyone insane.

The 12 yr old, Kolton, is still relatively harmless, though he has recently began lobbying for a cell phone. I do believe I should hold stock in Verizon, as eventually I am going to pay them more per month than I do for our house. Speaking of which, I also believe that Wachovia Mortgage only hires people with organic brain disease, as none of their employees can read or write. What is the point of a Pick A Payment loan anyway? Who, if given a choice is going to choose a higher payment? Another similarity, like talking a child into the virtues of extra credit. It won't work.

Take my advice, and take advantage of the 7-11. Its all downhill and round the bend after that.

Don't take your teenager to the health food store

I recently discovered a new mommy commandment. I had just gotten Jesse, the 14 year old, from school and Good Earth was on the way home, and I didn't want to have to battle traffic going home to drop him off and then going back, so I broke my rule and took the child to the store. You should know, I do not like to take ANY child to ANY store. This would be why this child had no idea that I buy some of the food he crams into his very large mouth from stores like Good Earth and The Sunflower Market. THE HORROR!!!

So within seconds of entering the store, he asked loudly, "What IS that SMELL?" I asked him to please keep his voice down and don't embarrass me. Have I mentioned that this particular child is mother-deaf? Well, he is.

I had to get some vitamins, so we went to the back of the store to look for them. Now this area of the store seemed to intrigue and revolt him at the same time. There were some elderly people who were talking to a salesman about a supplement to help with a severe problem with trapped gas and how long it would take for them to find some relief. Jesse, who laughs like a hyena, began to laugh. So I tried to move the mammoth child quickly out of the way, and went to the next aisle over. This was a mistake as it happened to be the section for men with certain problems involving their plumbing, and he called me a pervert.

I suggested that he go find out where the bathroom was for me, and when he returned he had a hand full of nuts, and an awful look on his face. He asked me what was wrong with these nuts? I was trying to read something and I told him I didn't know. He ate another one, and suggested, (not in these words) that the old people had taken the pills and had relieved themselves on the nuts. So I looked at them and told him he was eating raw cashews, that they hadn't been cooked. So he left, and came back with different nuts. My brain kicked in at that point, and I asked him where he got them and he said, "They have these big bins in a room back there, so I can taste this stuff so you won't buy it. What ARE these?"

So I figured today was not the day to see which supplement I should take so I would not get anymore headaches, because I had now found the cause of them. As we walked back through the store he made many comments about whether or not the people in this store ever ate, cuz they look sick, and am I trying to kill him with this food?

Then I made the grave mistake of walking down the chip aisle in an attempt to get him away from the stand where they were making wheat grass juice, as I already know his opinion on this matter, he calls it cow ass juice. I figured that the whole store did not need to know that he felt very strongly that only cows should be eating grass. There was an incident at Jamba Juice, which I would rather forget. But I had forgotten that he had even stronger feeling about the integrity of the potato. He looked around and said, "OK, now heres the stuff!!", and grabbed a bag of rice chips. He looked at the label, and said ewwww. Grabbed one with a potato on the front, and was absolutely shocked at what he read. He then proceeded to yell,

"MOM!!! They disgraced the chips!!!! There's no oil in them, they popped a potato!! How could they pop the potato?"

Now people were staring. I needed to get out. So I told him to go get a drink, threw the cereal and juice in the basket, and ran for the check out. He asked the clerk what is wrong with their gum, and why they pop the potato, and I sent him out to the car with his drink. But he opened it in front of the doors outside and spit it on the ground, and loudly stated,

"Can't you even leave the root beer alone? What is wrong with this?"

I told the check out lady that he was off his meds, and pulled my sunglasses down, realizing that I would no longer be welcome at Good Earth again.

When we got into the car, he told me that going there is why I am sick. For the love of god they have people in there that can't even fart. There was reference to not breaking wind, blowing dust, and then I turned the radio up. Then he showed me how very adept at releasing gas he was, all the while reading the back of the root beer bottle, and asking my what in Gods name is sasparilla. Lovely.

He is now refusing to eat the cereal he has been eating for a year, as he read the label, and now knows that the marshmallows in it are colored with beet juice and blueberry juice, and he would rather have blue lake #5.

Mommy Commandment: NEVER TAKE A TEENAGER TO A HEALTH FOOD STORE.

Jesse-ism: THEY DISGRACED THE CHIPS!!!!

This is what happens when you take a shower while your 2 and 3 year old should still be asleep

It was a peaceful morning, and the babies were still asleep, so I thought, "Hey, I stink, take a shower."

I would not advise this. As this is what happened. They were very quiet about it, and it took only 15 minutes for them to do this.

I have only this to say. Carrot Juice does NOT come out of beige shag carpet, and neither does Bolthouse Farms Blue Juice. Coffee creamer is still sticky even after you have shampooed the carpet 3000 times, and I think yogurt has acid in it, cuz it ate through the finish on the coffee table.

It took me 2 hours of staring at this, and 25 phone calls to my husband at work to scream at him about his evil gene pool before I could even bring myself to begin to clean it up, and even then I kept staring at it, thinking, "WHAT THE HELL?"

So I took pictures to show THEIR children one day, and suggest they do the same.

I guess I could say that the blue and orange stains work as we are die hard Chicago Bears fans, but somehow, that did not make me feel better. And my living room smelled like Irish Cream coffee creamer until the day we moved. I now become nauseous if I ever come in contact with that particular varity of creamer. But I still drink blue juice and carrot juice....

Meet The Family...DJ

This is DJ. He is my oldest. I am going to post a series of Meet the Family, and he came first, cuz he is first.

Dj is the King of Bored. He has whined he was bored while at a monster truck rally. I am , quite frankly, concerned about this. Sometimes I think he is still going to be living in my basement when he is 35 nagging me about his allowance and bitching about being bored.

On the upside, the boy can cook like nobodies business. He can run 3 miles without being out of breath, and is a mathematical savant. And, he is Beautiful. This was the child, when taken out in public as an infant, would cause people to disregard all the BLUE surrounding him and tell me what a beautiful little girl I had. This enraged his father. Then they would try to touch him, which enraged me. We stopped taking him out. Could that be the reason he IS ALWAYS BORED?

Jesse-isms

Meet Jesse, my 14 year old...yes he REALLY is only 14. He is 6'1 and he has his grandma's moustache, and I get looked at like some flaming pervert at the grocery store, but I distinctly remember giving birth to him as there were no drugs involved.

So he is the one who brought the clown home, and I am happy to say that she has been erradicated..YAY!!! Anyway, he has these things he says, and I have no idea where they come from, but I am starting a new category and will post them whenever his brain-on-testosterone kicks one of these nuggets of hilarity out.

Yesterday, I asked him to go get the mail, as I have a serious EBAY addiction and LOVE the mailman. After I went from asking to demanding, as I don't like the weird neighbor kid and their flying shit spewing rats, and therefore would not go out myself, he yells from the bottom of the stairs, "STOP YOUR HONKIN NANCY, I'M GETTIN' IT!!!" At which point I began laughing so hard I couldn't breathe, but managed a pitiful don't talk to me like that. Yeah, he took that seriously....

I believe he gets it from my father, but I'll post my father-isms at a later date, as I am tired and he has been alive soooo very long, the list is endless.

I love my Jess-Jess, and he is never embarrassed that I am his mom which makes me love him more....and he is an AMAZING football player. And he makes me laugh, and that makes up for today when he would NOT shut up, and I felt like I was being pecked to death by a duck.