Saturday, April 25, 2009


Why are they always BORED? In my experience, one is really only bored when they haven't the brain power or creativity to find a way to entertain themselves. These children have more squawk box gadgets, computers and games then I ever imagined possible when I was 16. Yet, that is the most common phrase said in this house. Could this be the reason they are prone to dating clowns? I myself have found numerous ways of entertaining myself at her, and by extension, my sons expense lately. Some involved a big red foam nose, my husbands shoes....COME ON PEOPLE!
THIS is the only living thing in our house with a legit reason for boredom, and that is only because I will not allow her to stay outside in the rain barking at every passing car and making the neighbor shit himself by snarling at him through the fence...And she stinks like, well....wet dog when she comes back in, and befowls the couch with her stench. I really don't care about the neighbors incontinence, as his pigeon shits on my car EVERY TIME I WASH IT.

Saturday, April 18, 2009


So, when I was dating back in the dark ages, my father would ask "Who is that clown?" of every guy I brought home. Of course, it was just a saying back then. Today, my son brought home a girl he has been seeing, and the clown term took on a whole new meaning, I am usually not prone to judging people solely based on appearance, but I have now made an exception.

This girl WAS dressed in full clown makeup, and had so many holes in her face I thought she was going to spring a leak. Apparently, this is in homage to a musical group called ICP, Insane Clown Posse. The name alone just froze the cockles of my heart. I googled them. They, the Insane Clowns, seem to have been on an acid trip one night and had a vision of a Dark Carnival, and this compelled them to start inciting all the witless wonders who listened to their music to begin painting their faces like clowns, and to rage against authority of any kind. OK, sounds more like a cult of idiots to me, but hey to each his own....but not in my living room.

Really, just how do you have a conversation with a person like that? I asked how she likes school, she doesn't go. Does she like football, cuz Jesse plays and loves it. She didn't know that, and she doesn't like it. At that point, I had nothing, NADA, and my 5 year old had no clue as to what had just landed on the couch. She asked her who did that to her hair, and then suggested that if she brushed it, it wouldn't stick up like daddy's does in the morning. The clown did not react. OK.... so when she wanted to go hang out in Jesse's room, well, we suddenly had plans, and I was nice enough to offer to take her home, but she declined, as she had someone to meet at the local gas station. Did I mention that she is only 15? And the business conducted at any gas station I know of doesn't consist of exchanging recipes for bundt cake.

As she was leaving, I noticed the lovely little man running with a hatchet ON THE BACK OF HER HEAD....SHAVED INTO HER HEAD. Now I know what that is. I had the unfortunate experience of having to ride the trax with a bunch of these mental hospital rejects once, and aside from swinging from the bars screaming "Hells yeah, we own this bitch!", what bitch they were referring to is beyond me, they took particular pleasure in harassing senior citizens and anyone else who had the audacity to look in their direction. Of all the nerve, looking at the circus freaks. And here I thought clowns were there to entertain...hence the staring.

Now mind you, it was extremely hard NOT to look at them as their hair was day glow orange and white or cherry red with black horizontal stripes and THEY HAD CLOWN MAKEUP ON. In addition to holes the size of quarters in their ears, and one lovely young lad even had one of these holes on the side of his nose. These holes could be useful now that I think about it, when they are finally corralled, we will have something to attach the chain to , as I am sure a run of the mill strait jacket won't do the trick. As a matter of fact, they carry their own chains ALL over themselves. They must know it's coming soon. They got of near Temple Square, and had i not been concerned for my own safety, would have loved to have seen what the reaction from the visitors in the Garden of Tranquility would have been. I can just imagine....

But now, my son THINKS he is dating one of these things, but I assured him he is not. As she was leaving, she bid me farewell with a monotone "Much Clown Love" to which I thought, huh?, and all I could think of saying was "Well, Namaste." She said, what, and I said goodbye. Now, Jesse thinks I am being judgmental, but I ask you, as I asked him,WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD WAS THAT? I am hoping that this particular incident was a test. As in, this is a test, only a test, of the emergency parenting system. I was awaiting further instructions, but drew a blank other than again saying, WHAT THE HELL? Have you lost your mind boy, cuz I will help you find it.

My husband found all of this extremely confusing, and then funny. I am sooo glad I have his support. His only input was to suggest that our son not kiss her as she looks diseased and that kind of thing could make his peetail fall off. Thanks for the input dear, next time a clown stops by, just find me a xanax and a glass of wine and tell me we are at the circus....then borrow one of the clowns chains, and attach it to her face and lead her out the door.

I have watched momversations, read a ton about teen behavior and even listened to Dr. Full of it, but NOTHING addressed what is the best course of action should your son bring home a clown with a fondness for hatchets. For the love of god, HELP ME.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Pirates in '09 or Dog Breeds?

Just wondering, with all that is going on in our country right now, why is it that the top news story isn't the fact that we are having serious issues with pirates, it's that the president got a new dog? I wasn't aware that the getting a new dog was such a newsworthy and, apparently important story that it bumped the pirate story.

When I told my husband last week that pirates had taken an American ship hostage, he thought that I was having one of my looped out of my mind moments. That or having flashbacks from one of the tacky romance novels I used to have the time to read. He even put down the Wii remote to watch the story, and that in itself is newsworthy.

Really though, PIRATES? In 2009? Why didn't we hear about this sooner? Apparently other countries have been dealing with these One Eyed Willie revivals for quite some time now, but it has been rarely reported in the US. I googled it, and there have been quite a few stories on the BBC and various other European news sources, and yet it just slipped through the American presses crack/canyon?

I have nothing against dogs, I have one, and I really do love her...most of the time. I have chosen to look at it this way, the President really is keeping ALL of his promises, and I respect him even more for keeping his promise to his children. I myself have found myself trapped in a pet store promising my screeching 5 year old that, someday I promise I will get you that hamster if you will just stop yammering and get up off the floor! And someday I will! I will indeed go purchase her that coveted rodent, and hand it to her in a big pink rodent bubble with a bow on top when she leaves for college. See, I keep my promises too...

Just a question, but can we not just bomb the crap out of these lunatics trolling the waters in a paddle boat with an AK47? We do have spy planes, and satellites. Can we not spare one to seek them out and then drop a grenade into their tugboat? Why must we wait till things get this out of hand?

And why are we repeating history? I don't know anyone who is enjoying this reliving of the Great Depression. And yet, I read something about some people who, obviously, have been listening to Rush Limbaugh too much, and have now begun organizing "Tea Parties" akin to the Boston Tea Party to protest President Obama raising taxes. Umm... K. Taxes have been lowered for all income brackets but the highest incomes, which is like 2 percent of the population. So really, they are just protesting Mr. Limbaugh's taxes being raised, because I know all of those people I saw on the news are not millionaires. If they can find the time to stand around at a mock tea party, can they not find the time to check and see if this tax hike is going to hit them in the pocketbook, or do they just have too much free time? Do some charity work people, go to a soup kitchen or volunteer for pirate watch, but for the love of god, quit dragging those babies out into the street in a tricorn hat and a onesie to protest an issue that exists only in the fat mans bloated head. RANT OVER!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Where is this bunny exactly?

Just wondering, where is this mythical bunny? Somewhere along the way I have gotten sick of doing all the work and giving all the credit to some imaginary animal. With toddlers, I can see the logic to an extent, but when you get to the teenagers, really?

Do we have to buy them new clothes and give them candy for no reason other than they were born? They know there is no bunny, but cannot say that in front of the babies, so they just say how the bunny should have known they wanted a red shirt instead of a blue one, and then they refuse to participate in the "stupid freakin easter egg hunt" where upon I inform them that if they would like to opt out of Easter they can give the stupid freakin bunny back all the crap "it" gave them and stop cramming all the cupcakes down their throats.

And another thing, is this bunny a girl bunny or a boy bunny? My 5 yr old daughter and my 6 yr old son came to blows over this particular issue. I could shed no light on the subject but did not know that it was such an important issue. Needless to say they did Not agree to disagree, so Breanna, my heathen of a little girl, chucked a snowboarding boot at Jordans head, so he ripped the head off her barbie. Guess I shouldn't have chosen that particular moment to glaze the stupid ham...

And how was your holiday?

Sunday, April 12, 2009


Is it really wrong to duct tape a child to the bed in the name of the Easter Bunny? I just want to SLEEP!