Sunday, August 2, 2009

Back To School...Yee-frickin-HAH!

Yep, its that time again. I know I'm supposed to be happy and all encouraging and whatever, but OMG, the rules have changed since I was shoved out the front door with my spankin' new back pack and blinding white new KEDS, with my mom kissing us on the heads and pointing up the hill. Nothing is as easy as it used to be.

The first day of school for me was about unsharpened pencils, 24 perfect crayons, new notebooks that I hadn't yet written my new crushes name on, and shoes that hurt to walk in for a week. And, dear god, did we walk! Everyday, to AND from school. This just shocks the shit out of my children. Their beloved, sweet grandma MADE me walk? At the time, I had no idea that there was any other way to get there. That sort of child abuse is not to be tolerated in this day and age. When my kids start school, I begin logging more miles than a cab driver working overtime. Yet it is still a mystery why the childhood obesity rates have skyrocketed...

Things in our neck of the woods have gotten a bit more complicated than just maxing out the credit card to purchase the list of "essential items" the teachers demand they produce, lest I earn the label of uncaring, uninvolved mom. Whatever. I'm sure I'll scream about that little scam after I actually get the bill for this years list of useless bullshit. Anyway, the Utah legislature, at the urging of some of the overpaid jackasses and home owners who live on, what they consider to be the right side of the tracks, got together and decided that they want to split off from the old school district. They had some boring fiscal reasons. Like they pay a crap load more in property taxes than those on the west side do, and they have 1/2 as many children enrolled, whine, bitch, kvetch. I'm sure the word demographics was thrown in somewhere...To tell you the truth, I didn't even care at the time, because I didn't live in the affected area.

Politics in Utah tend to run toward the insanely stupid, like making restaurants build walls around their drink making areas so that our poor children are not subjected to the sight of a wine bottle, as it may incite a 3 year old to demand his sippy cup be filled with Chardonnay, and force the teenagers to become alcoholics at the mere sight of a beer tap. And selling half of downtown Salt Lake to the mormons, causing gay people to protest when church security threw them out of the "Garden of Peace and Tranquility" for smooching. They held a "Kiss In" for 3 weekends after that. So I figured when all of this crap was going on, lawmakers were just on to another of the useless bills they love so much. Then we moved, so that means I have to care. I really tried not to, but my sister lives on the west side that my now neighbors are talking about. I really never thought that in Utah there could be a bill that kinda sorta punishes people for having too many children, and not having as much money as some others. But, hell has frozen over, and here we are. The only reason I can see for splitting the district is because it was too big, and it sucked. We moved from an area where my kids never had more than 20 kids in their class to one where you were lucky if there were enough desks. I guess to be fair, and because my sister made me look, I do pay more property taxes. I still didn't really care though. I do now.

We now live in the most hated school district in the state, for good reason. You can glean a shit load of unpublicized info eavesdropping at the park. Good lord, the snobbery!! They placed the new boundary smack dab on, what they thought was the economic divide. This bullshit caste system is too much like the Dr. Seuss book, The Sneetches. I don't want to have my children thinking that they HAVE to have a new laptop, ALL branded clothes and a Burberry bag just to attend kindergarten, in addition to the other lame waste of money bullshit that the upper crusty's provide their over indulged offspring with. We have gone way past reasonable when a 12 year old thinks he MUST have a REAL iphone, mummy! Back to the eavesdropping, apparently, since we are not "footing the bill for other peoples kids, the food might not look like dog food, and we won't have to send lunchables. Really, canned veggies are just wrong, ya know?"
So are potato chips and glow in the dark cheese, but nobody asked me.
So needless to say, I AM NOT looking forward to the new school year which promises only more and more douchebaggery and snooty ass behavior. Stupid me, I thought that we might have learned from all the emphasis being placed on excess, and not enough on giving our children an edumacation worth something. In light of all the current stupidity, I have decided to save myself the trouble, and enrolled my 14 year old social butterfly in the new online school.
The kind of fresh hell he would have put me through with the star bellied biatches is something I can live without. An emphasis on learning, and not just about everything he DOES NOT HAVE, (because I am the worst mom), is just what the doctor ordered. Especially in light of the fact that he has chosen to stop taking his medication for ADHD, which I totally support him in, but cannot do FOR him. No more Adderall. Lucky Me!!! I get to play teacher, therapist and taxi driver this year.
I hope I can get in the spirit, as my last child, and my only girl starts kindergarten this year. Maybe sniffing her crayons and buying her some keds will work. Otherwise, I am screwed.