Saturday, April 18, 2009


So, when I was dating back in the dark ages, my father would ask "Who is that clown?" of every guy I brought home. Of course, it was just a saying back then. Today, my son brought home a girl he has been seeing, and the clown term took on a whole new meaning, I am usually not prone to judging people solely based on appearance, but I have now made an exception.

This girl WAS dressed in full clown makeup, and had so many holes in her face I thought she was going to spring a leak. Apparently, this is in homage to a musical group called ICP, Insane Clown Posse. The name alone just froze the cockles of my heart. I googled them. They, the Insane Clowns, seem to have been on an acid trip one night and had a vision of a Dark Carnival, and this compelled them to start inciting all the witless wonders who listened to their music to begin painting their faces like clowns, and to rage against authority of any kind. OK, sounds more like a cult of idiots to me, but hey to each his own....but not in my living room.

Really, just how do you have a conversation with a person like that? I asked how she likes school, she doesn't go. Does she like football, cuz Jesse plays and loves it. She didn't know that, and she doesn't like it. At that point, I had nothing, NADA, and my 5 year old had no clue as to what had just landed on the couch. She asked her who did that to her hair, and then suggested that if she brushed it, it wouldn't stick up like daddy's does in the morning. The clown did not react. OK.... so when she wanted to go hang out in Jesse's room, well, we suddenly had plans, and I was nice enough to offer to take her home, but she declined, as she had someone to meet at the local gas station. Did I mention that she is only 15? And the business conducted at any gas station I know of doesn't consist of exchanging recipes for bundt cake.

As she was leaving, I noticed the lovely little man running with a hatchet ON THE BACK OF HER HEAD....SHAVED INTO HER HEAD. Now I know what that is. I had the unfortunate experience of having to ride the trax with a bunch of these mental hospital rejects once, and aside from swinging from the bars screaming "Hells yeah, we own this bitch!", what bitch they were referring to is beyond me, they took particular pleasure in harassing senior citizens and anyone else who had the audacity to look in their direction. Of all the nerve, looking at the circus freaks. And here I thought clowns were there to entertain...hence the staring.

Now mind you, it was extremely hard NOT to look at them as their hair was day glow orange and white or cherry red with black horizontal stripes and THEY HAD CLOWN MAKEUP ON. In addition to holes the size of quarters in their ears, and one lovely young lad even had one of these holes on the side of his nose. These holes could be useful now that I think about it, when they are finally corralled, we will have something to attach the chain to , as I am sure a run of the mill strait jacket won't do the trick. As a matter of fact, they carry their own chains ALL over themselves. They must know it's coming soon. They got of near Temple Square, and had i not been concerned for my own safety, would have loved to have seen what the reaction from the visitors in the Garden of Tranquility would have been. I can just imagine....

But now, my son THINKS he is dating one of these things, but I assured him he is not. As she was leaving, she bid me farewell with a monotone "Much Clown Love" to which I thought, huh?, and all I could think of saying was "Well, Namaste." She said, what, and I said goodbye. Now, Jesse thinks I am being judgmental, but I ask you, as I asked him,WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD WAS THAT? I am hoping that this particular incident was a test. As in, this is a test, only a test, of the emergency parenting system. I was awaiting further instructions, but drew a blank other than again saying, WHAT THE HELL? Have you lost your mind boy, cuz I will help you find it.

My husband found all of this extremely confusing, and then funny. I am sooo glad I have his support. His only input was to suggest that our son not kiss her as she looks diseased and that kind of thing could make his peetail fall off. Thanks for the input dear, next time a clown stops by, just find me a xanax and a glass of wine and tell me we are at the circus....then borrow one of the clowns chains, and attach it to her face and lead her out the door.

I have watched momversations, read a ton about teen behavior and even listened to Dr. Full of it, but NOTHING addressed what is the best course of action should your son bring home a clown with a fondness for hatchets. For the love of god, HELP ME.

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